I'm enjoying my life so much right now.

I have an awesome relationship with my parents because we're all finally starting to be lovingly honest with each other. I have an awesome relationship with my siblings because we're just good at it, idk (especially Nick haha). Over winter break I realized I'm on good terms with everyone! Despite all the weird, almost funny-like shit that has happened in the past... but its all good now, which I love because I really just love hanging out with people who have been in my life. I love my cosmic family that I was reunited with again over winter break... silly hippies <3 I love my family here in my apartment, they're all hilarious and fun housemates that really get me. i love all the wonderful, awesome, talented people I've met this year through fire spinning and Burning Man. I'm so glad I've found hooping to be my calling!! It seriously is the best shit ever. I love my purple hoop and my LED hoop! I can't wait to get my fire hoop. I really want palm torches for just dancing with flame in my hand. I love having a job here in Santa Cruz that pays pretty decent for a not very difficult task. I love having a job in Oxnard that I can always count on, it helps give me that little bit of extra cash so I can party with/treat my friends while I'm there :) I love all the tie dye clothes I have now. I love my new tie dye kaleidoscope. And my dread. I love art. I love the shows I've been to in the past couple months. Excited to see Modest Mouse on the 25th WOO! I love feeling more confident about myself now than I did 2 years ago.
For a while there I was really starting to love my body... then the holidays came around and I indulged a lot >:/ so I gotta get back on track and go to the gym or hiking like 3 times a week so I can get more toned up (cause let's face it, I can't really ever be that skinny lol nor do I really wanna be... I just wanna be small enough so that my belly dance tops fit me properly aha) oh and I want to get a navel piercing... gotta tone up dat tummy lol and just get all around healthier anyways.
And I can't help but to be lame and think maybe if I'm a little more toned up, I'll attract some cute hippie guy with dreads when I'm hooping in the meadow, come springtime.

Blaaaaaaaaah. Why am I so lame?
I guess the reason I care quite a bit about looking physically attractive right now is because I am not into the idea of commitment right now, and a guy who thinks I'm "hot" with a chiller personality is more likely gonna be on the same page as me.. I'm really just trying to do my own thing. Yea it'd be awesome to meet a nice guy who loves me for who I am no matter what my body looks like, but then its probably gonna lead to something more serious, more special, more real, and I honestly can't handle that right now. Really.
I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since Bryce. Not even close to anything resembling a relationship.
I've had a few... errr... relations? intimate experiences I guess with a few guys here and there but it was all [drunk] fun. Idk man. And when I was talking to my housemate about how I felt and what I thought I "wanted" in my next relationship I realized that I am fucked... what if the next relationship I'm in isn't as fun or as awesome as my last relationship was [which it most likely won't be]? Or what if it could be, but I'm so busy comparing the whole time that it just completely passes me by? And you'd think this would be easy to avoid, but I mean people get into relationships that aren't really a good fit all the time, and they just. settle. I don't want to put myself through that, nor do I want to put someone else in a position where I'm constantly subconsciously comparing them to my past.... that's a shitty position to be in cause you can always sense it in the other person even if they don't realize it or admit it to themselves.
I think that's why I haven't been in a relationship yet... nothing seems like it will be "as good as" my last one, so why bother putting my time and energy in looking for one? Its better off I just let it happen anyway.

But I miss cuddling :'( I miss feeling someone's warmth against my body, feeling them breathe on my forehead while I snuggle up to them.. I miss being so close that all you need to do is turn your head to gently kiss their lips. I miss spooning. I miss arms wrapped around my shoulders or waist. I REALLY miss feeling someone's laugh against my body and causing me to laugh. Its not a relationship I miss, but the comfort and security of knowing you can just go up to someone and put your arms around them, or lean your head on them, or interlock your fingers with theirs and then follow any of those up with a kiss. I miss human intimate interaction, I craaave it. I don't need someone to give me attention or keep me company 24/7 but at the end of the day, I just want a cuddle buddy.

So if you meet a nice hippie boy who likes to cuddle but doesn't want a girlfriend... send him in my direction lol. I think I gotta take a few risks soon. Maybe be a teensy bit more forward, and a lot less shy. I gotta fix this subconscious bullshit because all it does is fuck with me (I had a dream about Bryce the other night and it was all intimate and shit.. like, really? Still? Fo reeeal?!?!?) and I hate it, I'm so tired of it. I gotta start hanging out in the right places (like at the Lighthouse on Sundays where people go to spin fire) instead of following my housemates to parties I don't really care about, cause someone I'll be a good fit with will definitely be in the places where I feel happiest.
So yea.
that's where I'm at in my life right now. Happy, having fun, getting healthy. The only thing missing is a romantic love life. Cause Love is definitely present in my life right now, all around.

Why does earning the right to kiss someone have to be so much work?!?! xDDD

Miss you guys, much love to you all <33

Until I start worrying about how things are going at home... /: hope Erica gets her shit together in time. I know she is still only 17 but cmooon.

So I guess I'll do it here.
I have been having the most wonderful time here back in Santa Cruz. I love my housemates and neighbors. I recently took up hooping so now I'll be learning tricks and stuff... Hopefully I'll be decent at it by winter break so I can show you guys :) I have such good fun and have met some really cool people. Haven't really met a nice boy but its not my main concern. I'm just having fun with friends and that's enough for me right now. Consciously anyway...
Subconsciously? I've been having strange dreams. They all involve Bryce :( Honestly.... I have no clue why he's still in my dreams as much as he is. We don't really talk much anymore, but I mean when we do its nice, we're still good friends I'd like to think, and enjoy each other's company.
Idk though, man. The other night I had a horribly violent dream. I asked Bryce something kinda personal and he didn't want to answer me. The more I asked him, the more he thought it was funny to annoy me with not giving an answer. Finally, I got tired of it and grabbed the back of his head and started smashing his face against the corner of a table. Violent, right? I would never do that to ANYONE especially Bryce! Wtf is that about? And last night I had another dream that I kept trying to talk to him to ask him the same personal question. He was sad for some reason though, so in this dream I didn't keep bugging him about it although I really did want to know. In my dream, it came time to leave before he could give me an answer and so I was disappointed. His mom and younger sister were in the dream last night too. Idk... I know what question it is in the dream. Its always the same burning question.

"What did you think of me when we were together?"

I mean, I knew he loved me... but why? What about me was so in tune with him that we were together for almost 3 years? Everyone knows what I thought of him. An inspiring person, an artwork in himself, someone who changed my life and taught me how to love myself. Did I change his life? What was so special about me? I want to know so badly. i'm so over the why did we break up, why doesn't he love me anymore bullshit. We're friends and I love it that way, Bryce being one of the best friends I ever had. But I just want to know. Will it ever be appropriate to ask him in real life, instead of in my dreams? How would I approach that... who knows.

That's all that's been bugging me lately. Hope everything is chill with you guys